Kirk/Spock Advent Calendar 2006

Pax

by Loki3; rated G
Beta-read by Starshadow
FB: loki3 @ hotmail.com
Disclaimer: Paramount owns 'em but I'll put them back when I'm done
Summary: Jim and Spock settle a few things after ST:TMP--'tis the season
Just Want to Say: The idea for the Kirk Christmas stroll comes from Jesmihr's great story "The Bitter and the Sweet". P.S. I know the hat doesn't leave the Guardian--blame my literary license--it's expired.

Grabbing his bag he headed out the door, only pausing in the hallway to pass his hand over the door controls: "Kirk, James T., resignation of lease effective immediately." The Enterprise had beamed his few personal possessions aboard earlier in the week; the remainder had gone into storage that morning.

Once outside, he entered McCoy's Communicator number and activated the privacy setting. It took a moment for the connection to be made. He started walking. The Communicator chirped, softly.

"Yes, Bones, Merry Christmas. You rang?" There was background noise--voices and music; McCoy must be at a party.

"Jim, same back to you. I know the Enterprise is ready for our departure on Friday, so there's nothing left for you to do--have you started taking it easy yet?"

"Believe it or not, I have. Spock invited me to spend the next couple of days with his family and we'll head to the ship the day after Christmas."

He laughed, "Don't make it sound so kinky. Sarek is away at a diplomatic conference. Amanda came to Earth to see Spock before we leave and invited me over. As Spock phrased it, she 'still enjoys celebrating many of your illogical Earth holidays--especially with other humans.'"

"I can imagine she would enjoy it with other humans around. Imagine trying to decorate a tree with two Vulcans? They would probably compute an algorithm to achieve maximum equality of light distribution throughout the 'coniferous ornamentation.'"

Reaching the air taxi station, he summoned a vehicle and got inside. After entering the address he sat back in the seat and continued, "Well, I can hear you're at a party and I don't want to hold you up, anything else on your mind?"

"Well as a matter of fact, I did want to ask you something. Have you spoken to Spock yet?"

"We have spoken many times, Bones. In fact, we spent three weeks together talking to every petty and not so petty official at Starfleet Command. I may have gotten the Enterprise back, but it didn't mean they wanted to let me leave orbit."

"Don't be an idiot, Jim. You know that's not what I meant. Have you sat down and talked with your 'friend' Spock? Do I have to repeat myself? When we came back to Earth last time, your First Officer resigned his commission quite properly, but your best friend took off without a word. No communication, no explanation until he reappears out of nowhere to declare his undying devotion when he's half out of his head in Sickbay."

"No, listen to me, when you step back on that Bridge you need to know that both Spocks will be there for you. Your ties to him, both personal and professional, are part of what helps keep you fit as a commander, and it's what will keep us alive out there."

"Bones, Spock is here, he re-activated his commission. I can't pressure him. I..."

"You need to do this. Was it logical for him to leave without a farewell, not knowing if his decision would sit right with you? If you ask the opinion of a two-bit country doctor I would say the reason he left was something embarrassingly illogical. And I think you both knew what it was."

Kirk placed his hand on his forehead, and covered his eyes, "What the hell am I supposed to say Bones? Don't you think I've thought this over? If something between us drove him away in the first place, how can I ask him to discuss it now? What if he left again? I turn my head now and there he is, at my side. I can't risk that. He needs to show me what he wants from me, what he is comfortable with, and I will learn to live with that, whatever it is. "

"I don't think you can live with less from him than you had before, Jim. You were married for almost a year, let me ask you--do you really think you and Lori were closer, more intimate than you and Spock?"

"No, I'm holding my magic mirror up to your psyche like I always do--now answer the question."

Kirk sighed, "No. I loved her, but I didn't understand her the way I did Spock. I trusted him beyond reason. She was my lover, but he was the other half of my soul." Kirk's voice dropped as he remembered the rapport they had shared.

"I saw how it was, Jim." McCoy cleared his throat, "I have to go now, but I want you to ask yourself this--having had that once, what wouldn't you give to have that back again? You need that certainty. Talk to him. Merry Christmas, Jim."

She stepped back and motioned him in, "Put your bag here, and come into the kitchen. Spock is meditating now, but he'll be down soon. Would you like some coffee?"

"Spock told me your mother was visiting your nephew on Deneva. How could I let you be alone at Christmas?" As they headed down the hallway, Kirk looked around and guessed Amanda must have taken a hand in the decoration. While not over-crowded or lush, the furnishings were comfortable; there were a few Vulcan touches, but a human notion of comfort predominated. In the kitchen, Amanda gestured towards the wooden kitchen table, "Take a seat."

He sat and watched as she prepared the coffee. Handing him his cup, she sat down.

"I wanted to say thank you as well, Jim. It's been a few years since I had something to really celebrate at Christmas." She raised her cup and sipped.

"Amanda, I know we both have something to be thankful for here, but I think my influence on this outcome was not as important as you think."

She smiled and reached over to touch the back of his hand. "Well, I don't know that I agree with you, but at least let me thank you for our communication over the past few years. It's meant a great deal to me."

There was a footstep at the doorway, "Jim, welcome and, as you say, 'Merry Christmas'." Spock, spare and elegant in black, stood watching them from the door. His eyebrow rose as he watched his mother withdraw her hand.

"Spock," Kirk stood, "Merry Christmas to you as well. Maybe you can show me to my room? I'd like to unpack a few things before dinner. You'll excuse me, Amanda?" He stood and followed Spock back towards the stairs.

He heard Amanda push her chair back in the kitchen. "We will be eating at 6:00, so you have half an hour."

Grabbing his bag, he followed Spock up the stairs. Watching the broad shoulders ahead of him, he tried to remember how it felt to have that strength at his side without questioning how long it would stay.

"I hope your room is satisfactory. Let me know when you are ready, I am in the room next door."

"Sounds fine, just give me a minute." Entering the room, he laid his bag on the bed. He went to the bathroom to rinse his face with cold water, and tried to clear his thoughts. Finishing, but finding no answers, he changed and went looking for Spock.

There was a room next door, he knocked softly and then entered. Spock was sitting at a desk in the corner, shuffling through data disks.

"Come inside, Jim. Please sit. I must complete this, and then we can go downstairs."

Kirk settled into an overstuffed armchair near the desk, trying to imagine Spock sitting (lounging?) in this chair. Spock was perched on the edge of the chair at the desk, straight-backed and formal. Kirk leaned back stretching his legs out; he had never minded relaxing in Spock's presence, although overt Vulcan formality made many uncomfortable. He indulged himself in the pleasure of watching the Vulcan's hands, sure and deft, move over the files on the desk.

"Spock, I have a request." He stopped, and Spock turned to look at him. "It was always a tradition for Sam and me to take a walk together on Christmas Eve. Perhaps I mentioned this before?"

"Of course, I would be honored." He rose gracefully, "Shall we join my mother now? I believe we are already 5.2 minutes late." He let Kirk precede him out the door and down the stairs.

Amanda had set the table and they shared a light meal. Spock drank water while Kirk shared a bottle of wine with his hostess. The two humans chatted easily and although Spock added a comment or two, for the most part he simply listened. Kirk could feel the dark gaze fixed on him throughout the meal, and when he took the opportunity to look back, his friend did not look away. The Vulcan had an intent expression on his face, both fond and quizzical at the same time.

This was not a holiday celebration that he would have ever imagined for himself. Nevertheless, Kirk started to relax. Spock's mother was indubitably gracious, understanding of Vulcan ways, but retaining a warm humanity. He had always hoped his friend would resolve his own internal conflicts in a way that could echo his mother's confident duality. He had never expected Spock to choose Gol.

"Shall we move somewhere more comfortable for some tea?" They had cleared the table together, and now stood in the small kitchen. Amanda started to open cabinets, take down cups, "Spock, take Jim over to the living room and come back to help me."

Spock showed him to a room brightened by the addition of a small Christmas tree in the corner. There was a studied randomness to the arrangement of the ornaments leading Jim to imagine that Bones had been right. Although he couldn't imagine Spock indulging in such a frivolous pastime, he was sure there was some hidden connection between the arrangement of the ornaments and higher mathematics. Kirk relaxed on the couch, studying the tree with half-closed eyes and thinking. He could not see his way forward; Spock was a puzzle, a half-remembered thought. When the door opened, Kirk sat up and accepted a mug from Amanda. They settled into a comfortable silence broken by intermittent comments as Spock and Amanda discussed Sarek's recent endeavors. Kirk paid little attention to the discussion; instead he found his thoughts turning more and more to the Vulcan sitting across from him. Eventually, he lost the thread entirely, and stared fixedly at the graceful curve Spock's ear carved out against his black hair. Finally, Amanda rose, "I think I'll retire now, Goodnight gentlemen, Merry Christmas." She touched Jim's shoulder in amused sympathy as she left.

Jim stood, "Well Spock, are you up for a stroll?" Then, just for a moment, he saw that slight change in expression he had always treasured--a Vulcan's fond acknowledgement of his human's quirkiness.

Kirk watched Spock come down the stairs in a warm Vulcan cloak with the incongruous addition of a hat and gloves. Closing the door behind them, they went outside. The night was cold. Kirk pulled his collar up as they turned and started down the hill. Spock stepped into his usual place on Kirk's right.

After a few moments, he looked over at the Vulcan, whose face reflected an uncertainty about whether talking had a place in this particular human tradition. Kirk felt a flash of humor followed just as by quickly by sorrow. Smiling to hide the intensity of his emotions, he spoke, "Out with it, Mister, what's on your mind?"

"If I may observe, Jim, your acquaintance with my mother seems much--warmer, than could be justified by your exposure to each other with her during our mission at the Babel conference. You have had some further association with each other, if I am correct?"

"Well Spock, your mother comes to Earth--how often? Twice, three times a year on average?"

"That is a correct assumption, if one assumes Sarek's travels have followed their traditional pattern throughout my absence."

Kirk clasped his hands behind his back, and looked at his friend; this was as good an introduction to the subject as any. "Just after you...left, your parents came to Earth for a Federation conference. One day, I received a call from your mother inviting me to lunch. It wasn't a very pleasant conversation. She was confused and upset-- so was I. This was the first time I had heard about your decision. Despite my surprise, she seemed to think I was in some way responsible, and she was angry."

"That was illogical," Spock raised his hand towards Kirk's elbow, his eyes on the human's profile, "you can not be held responsible for my actions."

He raised his hand, forestalling Spock's motion, "I know Spock, I know. Eventually, she realized it too. We spent four hours at that table and talked of nothing but you. We came to no conclusions really, except that something irretrievable had been ripped out of our lives. In the end, we managed, somehow, to part on good terms. Afterwards, Amanda always called me each time she came to Earth and we would get together. I don't think she ever told your father about it, although he probably knew."

Kirk paused, staring down the street to the bottom of the hill, "No, neither of us could bear to go over it again. We had held our wake for you, I guess. We just became friends."

"I'm not asking, not yet; just give me a minute okay?" Kirk reached out and touched the shoulder brushing up against his.

They had reached the bottom of the first block, and crossed over to the next, still heading downwards. The streets were empty, echoing their footsteps as they passed. Kirk let the peace of the evening touch him, and remembered a time when things had been clearer between them. "You know its funny, when Sam and I took these walks we always had something to say to each other. This one time of year, all those things that had built up between us dissolved, and then there was never enough time for us to say everything. Having you here Spock, I feel the same."

"Is this one night so much different, Jim, than the rest of the year?" Spock's eyes were hidden under the shadows of that ridiculous hat, but his voice had steadied.

"It's one of the holiest nights of the year, and it's been revered since the dawn of civilization, before Christ, back to feasts for gods whose names no one knows anymore. I've heard it called "the most solemn night of the year". It's a night of ultimate possibility, anything can happen. Can't you feel it?"

The street ended in a cul-de-sac holding a small park with an overlook to the city beneath. An old-fashioned cast iron bench was centered under the glare of the street light. Kirk motioned to the bench, and they crossed over and sat down.

"With everything that has happened the past few weeks, we have not had time to talk alone. It's overdue, I think. I don't know exactly why you left, that is true. I hope that you will tell me everything you can. But for now I just you need to listen."

"You've been more than a friend to me, Spock, more than a brother--you have seen parts of myself even I could barely look upon. I trusted you with parts of myself I couldn't give to anyone else." This was not coming out the way he had planned, but he pushed on. "In spite of everything I am, you loved me..." he wasn't looking at Spock now, he wouldn't, not till he had finished, "...and I loved you back. I thought I knew how much that meant to me, but I couldn't see it really, maybe I wouldn't see."

There was a breeze coming up the hill. Kirk stopped to blow on his chilled fingers, flex the stiffness away. "When you left, I found the one thing I couldn't trick or fight my way around--you. The first few months after you left I missed you, but after that all I could do was mourn. In that one moment, I finally knew what defeat felt like. I knew I couldn't bring you back, and I realised that no one would ever be so much a part of me again. When you showed up out of nowhere to join the Enterprise, it was a miracle, but not one of my doing. I've heard the scuttlebutt at Headquarters--'Kirk just pulled another rabbit out of his hat.'--but I know the truth."

He lifted his hand toward Spock, but he could not look in that face, not yet. "Did Bones tell you? I drafted him, ripped him out of his life and brought him back to the ship because I needed him. But you...bring back my First Officer, my best friend? Not even I could swing that--and I didn't even try. But then you came, god knows how. I know the why didn't involve any of us, not really. But you were at my side again--and I would have," he stopped and clenched his hands, "and I will do anything to keep you here."

"Jim." Spock reached up and pulled his hat off. He cradled the dark wool cap in his hands, and turned towards Kirk, "Look at me. Please." His intense voice startled Kirk, who turned towards him. He looked down as Spock motioned again, saw the hat, held like an offering. The ready humor that lurked beneath the surface threatened to break the intensity of his features. "Spock?" Kirk's voice was unsteady. Was it possible to want to cry and laugh at the same time?

"I found this today while going through some things I had stored when I left the Enterprise three years ago. It is the hat you stole for me while we were trying to rescue Dr McCoy in New York City."

Kirk reached out and touched the rough wool with a wondering expression. "Edith?"

Spock moved his hands and laid the hat on his knee. He smoothed it out with his elegant fingers, and then folded his hands across it. "Yes, Edith Keeler. I was meditating on our mission there when you arrived today." The dark head reflected a gleam from the streetlight, "She was a woman of extraordinary vision and insight. Not just about the future," Spock hesitated, "but also about me."

"Do you remember what she said, Jim? She said I belonged at your side, as if I'd always been there and always would be. It was such a simple observation, and yet so profoundly true." Spock turned towards Kirk, "We could spend hours here and I could fill it telling you one thousand logical reasons for my departure. All of them reasons any Vulcan would evaluate as eminently applicable. But one glance at this scrap of wool," Spock lifted the hat, again offered it to Kirk, "and I knew in a moment that she had understood a central truth of my reality, one that I had convinced myself to disregard. I fled from its illogic, but was only hiding from its truth. I told myself that if I could erase it through Kohlinar, then its value would be proven insignificant."

"However, since our encounter with V'Ger, I have realized the course I was following was itself illogical and unsound. In turn, I have come to know that this truth is no longer something I fear. My logic was and always has been useless when applied to my relationship with you. But only now have I realized that this does not negate its significance. Indeed, exploring this awareness further is something I now find myself looking forward to with," Spock looked into Kirk's eyes, "anticipation."

Kirk felt the moment as it came towards him--whether it was his own personal magic or some more ancient enchantment he couldn't say. But as always, he seized it. Slowly, he raised his hand and touched Spock's face gently, touching the brow, the elegant curve of an ear--bringing the beloved face back into focus.

The Vulcan closed his eyes, savoring the touch. Finally, perhaps hearing an echo of the thoughts racing through Kirk's mind, Spock caught his hand, brought it down to be warmed between his gloved ones. "Jim, this may be the longest night of the year, but do you not think we should spend the time engaged in more...rewarding pursuits somewhere warmer?"

They stood-- Kirk's hand still and warm in Spock's strong grasp. Turning towards each other, they paused for a moment and their shadows came together on the pavement under the blind gaze of the streetlight.