Family Matters
by Susan Ivanova; rated PG-13
Beta-read by Starshadow: Starshadow did a great job--thank her for the good phrases, blame me for the bad ones.
FB: s.ivanova @ freenet.de
Summary: The Christmas period can be a time of hurt and a time of comfort.
Star Trek and its characters are property of Paramount/Viacom. I intend no infringement and am not making any money from this.
And in your darkest hour, hold out your hand for meHe was a mess and he knew it.
Something will guide you, I'll be beside you
And when it's rough out there, I'm with you everywhere
I will be right behind you if you should fall--Phil Collins, "You Touch My Heart"
Nevertheless, he tried to ignore it as long as he could. Just a few more weeks, he told himself. A few more weeks, and he would be able to cope with the situation. Maybe he would even take leave. It had been happening too much lately.
But he couldn't think about it right now. He was the Captain and he had a starship to run.
Just a few more weeks.
1.
His shift was just over when he met McCoy in the corridor in front of his quarters.
"Hey, Bones, you looking for me?"
"Yes, I am. I need you to come to sickbay."
Kirk grew serious. "What is this about?"
"I want to examine you. See if you are fit for duty,"
"Fit for...! Bones, what the hell are you talking about? I'm absolutely fine!"
"Can we please discuss this in sickbay?"
"Yes, we can. And I hope you have a good explanation--Doctor."
When the doors of McCoy's office closed behind them, the doctor whirled around.
"Just don't give me any crap about being fine, will you? You are absolutely not fine. You are below par. You keep to yourself. You are not talking to me, and I bet you're not talking to Spock, either. You keep it all buried inside yourself!"
"Are you finished, Doctor?"
"Pretending it didn't happen doesn't make Sam alive again."
Kirk's face was ashen. "You are finished now." He turned to go.
"Jim, if you walk out of that door now, I'll declare you unfit for duty within the next hour."
Kirk stopped. Still facing the door, he said: "Then what do you expect me to do? Break down here and now to prove that I'm grieving? I am grieving, Bones." His voice was merely a whisper. "There isn't a moment in which I don't think about my brother."
McCoy moved closer to him, but when he touched his shoulder, Kirk withdrew. "I know that you are grieving. But it doesn't do you any good to do this alone."
"Then what do you want me to do?"
"Talk to someone. You can talk to me, if you want to, although I don't believe that I'll be your first choice after we have had this conversation. Talk to Spock, or call Tony on Star Base 4. I don't care - as long as you talk to someone about it."
"But--Bones! I can't talk to Spock about this. He won't understand. He'll just think I'm being an emotional human."
"Jim, you don't really believe that, do you? You should know him better."
Kirk turned around and looked at his friend. "No, of course I don't. I just don't know if I can have such a conversation with him at the moment. I--I am afraid that it shows."
"Afraid that it shows? You are afraid to tell him too much? To tell him that you love him?"
"Bones!"
"But that's what you do! You love him."
Kirk closed his eyes. "Yes, I do. And I desire him."
Lying in his bed that evening, Kirk thought about how their conversation had ended. Eventually, he had to submit to the doctor's wishes.
"... and I want you to do this soon. Today is the first of December. I'll give you three weeks. If you aren't any better after Christmas, I will have to take you off duty. Do you understand?"
Yes, he did understand. He had three weeks to tell Spock about everything Sam had been to him. Without telling him what Spock was to Jim.
McCoy had told him that it was quite normal to desire the person that you love. For Kirk, it wasn't that easy. He could happily live with the knowledge that he loved Spock. He felt so much for him that he sometimes thought everybody would be able to see the love shining in his eyes. What he couldn't live with was knowing that he also desired Spock. Everytime they touched he felt the desire burn inside of him.
One day Spock would find out. And that would be the end of their friendship.
2.
He was surprised to find Spock in the mess hall having breakfast. They didn't meet here very often these days. For a brief moment Kirk thought that maybe McCoy had had a conversation with Spock, too, but quickly dismissed the thought.
"May I?"
Spock looked up. "Yes, of course, Captain. I haven't seen you here at this hour for some time."
"No, I skipped a few meals."
"I see."
"Look, I know I haven't been good company lately. I want to apologize."
"No need for an apology. Your behavior is perfectly understandable under the circumstances."
"You think so? Bones doesn't. He says I'm bottling it up. He ordered me to spit it out, or else he would take me off duty."
Spock rose an eyebrow. "He did? Then he must believe it to be serious. Can I be of any assistance?"
"As it happens, yes, you can. What do you think about some chess in my quarters tomorrow evening? We haven't played for some time."
"Indeed. I will be there."
3.
Kirk found himself smiling when he went to his cabin the next day. He was indeed looking forward to playing chess with Spock again.
He quickly ate then began to arrange the chessboard. He had just finished when the door chimed. "Come."
Spock entered. They were both out of uniform this evening, and Kirk was pleased. This way it was easier to ask a favor.
"Come in Spock, come here and sit. What do you want to drink?"
"Water, please. But don't hesitate to take something stronger yourself."
"Thank you, but I'd better stick to water as well. I'd rather be sober playing against you."
"I can remember you making the most unexpected moves when you were not entirely sober."
Kirk laughed. "Yes, but sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't."
They had already played one match--which Spock had won--and were well into a second when Spock brought the conversation to the topic at hand. "So I understand that McCoy wants you to speak about the loss of your brother?"
Kirk was momentarily taken aback. "Essentially, yes."
"So there will be many meetings with our doctor for you this month."
Kirk just had the realization that Spock had no idea why he'd been invited. He thinks it is just about chess, Kirk mused. And he decided to leave it this way. "It won't make the month pleasant, that's for sure."
"So it would appear. But, Jim, you know you can always talk to me? If there is something occupying your mind at night don't hesitate to call me."
Kirk was surprised. Spock wasn't always that straightforward.There were only a few occasions when Spock allowed himself to call Kirk by his first name. He never did it without a special reason, to warn, to help, to remind, to support. It was his way of saying 'I am your friend and I am right here by your side". It would always make him smile.
"Thank you, Spock. I will remember that offer."
They continued to play until Kirk yawned.
"You are tired. We should stop this now and continue it at another time. I don't want you to be at a disadvantage."
"That's very generous. How about tomorrow?"
"I will be here. Good night, Captain."
"Good night, Spock."
4.
The next day he got a message from McCoy, asking if he was making any progress. "Bones, I'm on it, okay? Don't hurry me."
5.
When they resumed their chess match a day later, Kirk managed a draw. He was very content.
"You played well, Captain. That one move was unpredictable."
Kirk laughed. "Yeah, I know that one. I once fell for it, too." He became serious. "Sam taught me."
Spock looked at him. "He taught you to play chess? You never mentioned that."
"Yes, I learned that from him. But I meant the move itself. When he used it the first time, I didn't even know what had hit me. I thought about it for days. But when he used it a second time, I was able to block him and turn it against him. It was the first match that I won.--I don't know why I used it now. I hadn't thought about it for months."
"Perhaps your talk with McCoy triggered a memory."
"That's possible. For once, this was a good one, though."
They fell silent for a moment. Then Spock spoke again: "How is Peter doing?"
"He's healthy, but he is still suffering from the loss."
"As are you."
Kirk looked up. "Is it that obvious?"
"No, not for just anybody. But you must not forget that Dr. McCoy and I know you better than the others. We can see what they can't."
Kirk sighed. "I don't know why I deserve you. What have I done in my life to deserve such a friendship?"
"Jim, you have always been a friend for us. Stop doubting yourself. There is no shame in depending on this friendship in a time of sorrow. Just don't keep everything to yourself." Spock stood up abruptly. "I shall go now. You have to work early tomorrow. Good night, Captain."
"Good night, Spock. Thank you."
When Spock had left the room, Kirk sat two minutes in his chair before a thought hit him. "Damn! I forgot to ask him about a new meeting!"
For a second he thought about calling him right now, but then he decided that it could wait for the night. He'd speak to him on the bridge tomorrow.
6.
When he got up the the next morning, he was already running late. He had forgotten to ask for his wakeup call, so there was only half an hour left before he had to be on the bridge. Breakfast would have to wait until midday. He showered quickly and left his cabin in a hurry.
Outside the door, he nearly fell over a tray on the floor. Kirk took it into the cabin and placed it on the table. There he saw a cup of coffee--still hot--and the croissant he usually ate in the morning - both prepared so that he could take them with him and have breakfast on his way to the bridge. He frowned. Who knew...?
Then he saw the note: "Good morning, Jim. I believe you are late today, so I thought you could use my assistance. Happy St. Nicholas' Day! I believe it is tradition to leave something outside the door of a close friend. Would tomorrow at eight be convenient? I suggest we meet in my quarters then."
Kirk laughed loudly. Of course he recognized the handwriting of his Vulcan friend. Then he grabbed his breakfast--as unexpected as it was--and hurried to the bridge. Since Spock spent the whole day in the science lab, Kirk didn't have a chance to thank his friend. But the smile didn't leave his face for several hours.
7.
When Kirk entered the Vulcan's cabin the next evening, the first thing he did was playfully slap his friend on the back. Gently, so Spock knew he wasn't angry.
"Spock! How did you know?"
"I checked while you were in the head."
"But why didn't you tell me?"
"Then my surprise wouldn't have worked."
Kirk grinned. "Admit it, you planned the whole thing."
"Indeed I did. I am glad that you are not angry. I wasn't quite sure."
"Why should I be angry? Sam would have liked it. It's something he would have done himself, given the opportunity. Sometimes you really remind me of him."
"But I am not him."
Kirk became serious. "I know that. And I am grateful, because if you were Sam, you would be dead now."
He shivered. "Let's talk about something else, can we?"
"Of course. But I didn't set up the chessboard. I thought we could sit and just talk about whatever you like. Does this meet with your approval?"
"Yes, very much. We haven't done this for quite some time, either."
"I know. I always find the exchange with you very stimulating."
They sat down, Spock in a chair and Jim on the bunk. So they talked and talked and talked about many things, but not about Kirk's brother. And Kirk, as he went back to his cabin deep in the night, found that he was somewhat sorry that they hadn't mentioned Sam again.
8.
The next morning he got another message from McCoy. "Hey Jim, you still alive? How is the talking going? You know where to find me if you want to have a second opinion. Be seeing you."
But Kirk was still angry. He didn't answer.
10.
Two days later they met again. After Spock had won the chess match, they put the game aside and started talking again. It appeared as if they wanted to make up for the time they hadn't talked to each other.
This time Kirk broached the subject himself. "You know, I always needed Sam to define myself. Our father was off-planet most of the time. So Sam became the one who taught me all about ethics and morals. I wouldn't be the same if it wasn't for him."
"You shouldn't underestimate yourself. Of course he influenced you deeply, but you do have a very strong mind. You chose yourself which way you wanted to go. He showed you the possibilities, but the choice was yours."
"Yes, I keep telling myself that I know that. But still, I look for him to tell me I did right. I need his approval."
"But you don't need it anymore. You are doing well even without his advice."
"That may be true. But still I find myself turning to ask him and he's not there. It's not that I always needed to ask him, but that I knew he was there if I really needed to."
"So you do not miss the action, but the possibility."
"Yes, exactly! Of course I don't miss the asking itself, it was always quite embarassing. The last thing I called him about was Gary. I was so shocked I didn't know right nor wrong. So I called him and he said: 'You didn't have another choice. So carry on and do your job. And do it well.' That was enough, because it was coming from him."
They were silent for a moment.
"I miss him, Spock."
16.
Several days went by before they could meet again. A dangerous rescue mission and the working schedule just got in the way. But Kirk realized that Spock was trying to keep an eye on him. He was not that obvious as to embarrass Kirk in front of the crew, but still Kirk felt both annoyed and cared for at the same time. And it irritated him deeply. Never before had he seen Spock so concentrated on ensuring his welfare. But when he hesitantly asked McCoy about it, he just laughed.
"What did you expect? He knows you're not at your best right now. He's just worried."
"But he's never.... shown it so much."
"Open your eyes, Jim. Spock cares deeply for you, and he always has. You were always so busy shutting out your feelings for him that you've shut his out as well."
When the mission was successfully accomplished, Kirk felt as if an elephant had just stepped onto him and then decided to sit down for a while. His only thoughts were about shower and bed, but when he got out of the head, the door chimed.
Kirk sighed. "Come."
Spock hesitantly entered the room. "I hope that I am not disturbing you."
He smiled weakly. "No, you're not. I was just preparing for bed."
"I see. I was just coming by to offer my help with your shoulder. I believe you did not visit Doctor McCoy?"
"No, I didn't. But what do you mean--my shoulder?"
"You're not feeling it? You've been walking around all day demonstrating the worst case of stiff muscles I have ever seen."
"Believe me, I am fine."
"I assure you, you are not. Or at least your shoulder is not. May I?", he gestured.
Kirk shrugged. "If you want to."
"That's what I came here for. Will you please sit down?"
Kirk sat sideways on a chair, wondering what was to come. He flinched when he felt two Vulcan hands touch his bare shoulder, pulling him back against an equally warm body. He could feel the fabric of Spock's uniform at his back.
"Relax, Jim. I'm trying to loosen your muscles."
"I thought you would make one move and make it better. I didn't think you'd give me a massage," he tried to laugh.
In his head several voices were talking at the same time. He felt keenly the embarrassment of just wearing a towel for he could already feel his body react to Spock's closeness. God, he was so tired...
"That's right, Jim. Close your eyes, lay back your head, relax. Just feel my touch. I am here."
Kirk sighed softly, smiling. He could Spock's body moving behind his back. His hands continued to knead his shoulders in the same slow rythmn, just going on and on and...
...then suddenly, the movement ceased. Kirk opened his eyes slowly, surprised at the effort it took.
"What... why did you stop?"
"I believe I achieved my goal. You are relaxed now."
"How do you know?"
"You were falling asleep."
Kirk tried to sit a bit straighter, but failed. "I did? Oh, I'm sorry."
"You don't have to be. Go to bed now. Your shoulder shouldn't hurt much tomorrow. Do you need my assistance?"
"Your assistance to go to bed?" Kirk blushed. "No thank you, I think, I'll manage. I've got a right hand, you know?" He laughed shakily.
Spock watched him quizzically. "You also have a left hand. I do not understand your point."
"Never mind. Thank you, Spock. Again."
"You're welcome. Sleep tight, Jim."
When Jim woke up he wondered why he was sleeping naked. Then he saw the towel on the floor where he had dropped it last night. Memory hit him. "Oh, God!"
He hadn't said that, now had he? He didn't talk about his right hand? To... Spock? After he had offered a massage?
Kirk desperately closed his eyes and decided to sleep some more.
18.
The next time they met for a game of chess, Kirk was quite uncomfortable until he realized that Spock really hadn't understood his remark. He didn't know how Vulcans relaxed--aside from meditation, that is--but obviously masturbation was not an option. They just don't know what they were missing, Kirk mused while he thought about why Spock had, seconds ago, moved his rook. On the other hand, he had never believed the myth that Vulcans had no feelings. Knowing Spock as well as he did, he was sure it was an outright lie. But if Vulcans had feelings, everything was possible.
"Jim, what is on your mind?"
"At the moment, you are."
Spock looked up in surprise. "I do not understand."
"I was thinking about the differences between our people. And how much of what they tell us is wrong."
"That is correct. I was told humans overreacted and were unreasonable.That is not true. You act differently, that may be correct. Our background differs on many things. So you talk, think, love and mourn in a completely different way than we do."
"How do Vulcans mourn?", Kirk asked.
The chess board was forgotten for the moment.
"Our planet is very dry, so we are simply not able to weep the way you do. There are certain songs to be sung, prayers to be said. We are a race of tradition. We do believe in the continuance of the living spirit after death."
"On that we can agree, although we call it soul. I can see how Vulcans might mourn only during the ceremony and then stop. I could understand why our ancestors thought you were unfeeling. It's not easy to see the difference."
Spock shook his head slowly. "Quite the contrary, we just do not display our sorrow the way you do. It would rip us apart if feelings like love or loss were displayed openly. So we keep our problems to ourselves and solve them alone. You, on the other hand, are loud and make so much noise one could think you want to avoid thinking about what happened altogether."
"But..." suddenly Kirk didn't know what to say.
"What is it?"
"I... do not weep." His voice was barely more than a whisper.
"Why not?"
"I don't know. I just can't."
"Can you tell me why you can't? This may be important."
Kirk stood up, walking through the room in despair."How should I know? I think I still don't understand that he is gone. That he has left me."
Spock stood up as well. "You are angry at him."
"Yes, you're damn right, I am angry! How could he dare leave me alone? I needed him, I will always need him. How could he just go away?!"
"Jim, you know it wasn't his fault. The disease on Deneva..."
"Yes, I know! But I don't care! He should be there for me. He was my brother, damn it!"
His voice shook. Kirk turned away and stared at the bulkhead. After a while, he felt Spock's hand on his shoulder. He didn't turn around.
"I'm sorry for yelling at you like that."
"Don't be. You can't yell at him any more. I am glad to be of assistance."
"I'm scared, Spock."
Spock slowly rubbed his shoulder. "I know. But you can handle this. You just have to accept that he is gone. Someday you will be able to weep for him, and then you can heal. Be patient."
Kirk nodded slowly. They stood like this for a long time, silently. Time passed, the universe moved. Spock was standing at his side, his hand on his shoulder.
20.
It was five days before Christmas; McCoy's deadline was almost here. Kirk was supposed to meet Spock for lunch in his quarters, but two hours before their appointment, Spock called him and canceled the meeting due to "a new problem". Probably something scientific, Kirk thought while sitting in his quarters and trying to figure out what to do now. In the end he tried to catch up on some paperwork, put it aside after an hour and went to bed early.
21.
The next day Kirk spent forward to meeting Spock in the evening. At the appointed time, he found himself standing anxiously outside of Spock's quarters.
"Come."
Kirk entered the room. Spock was sitting in the armchair, reading a datapad.
"Hi Spock! What are we going to do today? Choose your poison."
"Jim, we need to talk."
Hearing Spock's voice, Kirk abruptly stopped joking.
"What about?"
Spock stood up and looked at him. "About why you didn't tell me that Doctor McCoy ordered you to talk to me."
Kirk crossed his arms in defiance. "You didn't ask."
"But you left me under the impression that you were talking to McCoy on a regular basis. I thought you came to me to talk about what was on your mind after your sessions with McCoy. Only yesterday I discovered that you refuse to talk to him at all."
"How did you find out?"
"I met McCoy in the mess hall."
"Oh great! And of course, he felt obliged..."
"Stop it!"
"But..."
"You have no reason to be angry at him. I asked him if you were making any progress in your sessions. He didn't even know what I was talking about."
"Look, I am sorry..."
"It's past time to apologize. I thought you trusted me. I regard you as a friend, but knowing that you needed to be ordered to talk to me in the first place, I do not believe that you feel the same way."
"Spock...!"
"Do not try to explain. I want you to leave now. Since you did not talk to me on your own free will, I suggest we stop this charade. Talk to McCoy; he won't care if you regard him as a doctor or a friend. I don't want to talk to you now."
"Spock! Please, don't..."
"What, Jim? What can you possibly ask now?"
"Please, Spock, I need you!"
"I do not believe you."
Kirk walked towards him, moving his hands in despair. "I am so sorry, Spock. I didn't intend to hurt you. But I didn't know how to tell you that I was afraid of the hurt. The pain."
Spock started to turn away. "But you hurt me. Why didn't you trust me with your fear? What have I done for you to lose your faith in me?"
Kirk gripped Spock's arms. "You have done nothing wrong. It's all my fault. Since Sam died, there is a hole inside of me. I am afraid of that hole, so I turn away from it, afraid to see what is lost. I don't know how I can ever close that hole again. So I turn away and pretend that I don't feel anything. But it doesn't work."
His voice was reduced to a whisper. "It doesn't work and it's tearing me apart, Spock."
"I can't close that hole for you."
Kirk was silent for a while. Spock hadn't moved away from him.
"Yes, you can."
"I do not understand."
"I once told you that I needed his approval. That is true, but it's not the whole truth. More than anything else, I need your approval. You took Sam's place a long time ago. Sam and I didn't talk as much as we used to. Long before his death I became used to looking to you for approval."
"You don't need my approval. You are the Captain."
"I may not need it, but I want it. Don't you understand? After that whole affair with Deneva, I was trying to understand what Sam's death meant to me. But while I grieved, I couldn't help feeling grateful that you hadn't died on that planet as well. That I... that I didn't lose your approval." His voice had started to shake.
"Please, Spock, don't send me away. Don't withdraw your friendship now! I just can't.... Look, I'm sorry... I am so sorry..."
Spock carefully pulled him near when Kirk started to cry.
"You are the only reason I keep on moving. Just because I can't stand to disappoint you..."
"Shhh, be quiet now. It's all right..."
Kirk continued to cry. Spock tightened his grip around him and pulled him even closer. Kirk clung him as if his life depended on it. The only sounds in the room were Spock's breathing and the sobs from Kirk.
"He's dead, Spock.", Kirk finally whispered.
"Yes, Jim."
"How can I go on if he is dead?"
"You just have to. You are very strong; you will learn to live without him."
Kirk pressed his head into Spock's shoulder as if trying to melt into his body. He was still crying, but more quietly now.
"But I can't do that without you. I need you, Spock. I need your friendship... your approval and... your trust. Please don't send me away..."
Spock started to massage his neck with one hand, still holding him with the other one. "I could never do that, knowing that you need me at your side. I can't say that I approve of you not telling me Doctor McCoy's orders, but seeing you like this, I can not be angry either."
Kirk sighed in contentment. "God, I am such a mess, aren't I?"
"I agree that you are not in top form at the moment, but under the circumstances I think you're handling it as well as can be expected. Perhaps you should refresh yourself in the head now. After that, we can sit down and talk some more."
"I agree."
Reluctantly, Kirk let go of his friend, smiling embarrassedly. "I am really sorry, Spock."
"I know. Still I find it frustrating to realize how quickly I am willing to forgive you."
Kirk smiled. "Must be my charm. Be right back."
They talked long into the night. Kirk told him about his childhood, their brotherhood and how their relationship had changed during the last three years.
"Ever since Sam married Aurelan and went to Deneva with her, the rift between us became wider. We talked four or five times a year, but I could feel that I was losing him. The only times he was interested in what I was doing were when I went asking for advice. So I kept asking him, just to convince myself that I was still in contact with him."
"You lost him long ago. Maybe you are not angry at him for being dead, but for leaving you before you tell him what you needed to say."
"I keep thinking: If he have had more time, I would have been able to close the rift between us."
"Do not burden yourself like this. He is gone now, and you can't change the past."
"It's just not fair, you know."
"Nobody said life was supposed to be fair.--I will make a cup of tea. Would you like some?"
"Yes, please."
When Spock returned from the replicator ten minutes later, Kirk was more or less lying on his bunk, asleep. Even in his sleep, he was frowning. Spock tried to make him a bit more comfortable, then put a blanket around him and went to bed himself carefully, trying to share the space on the narrow bunk without disturbing his friend."
22.
Kirk woke with a scream on his lips. He stared at the opposite wall in horror, trying to catch his breath when he felt someone moving next to him.
"Lights, twenty percent.", he heard Spock say and then he saw his friend sitting beside him on the bunk.
"Jim, are you alright?"
Kirk tried to shake his head, but found he couldn't move. He was just sitting there, staring at the Vulcan, shivering slightly.
Spock carefully touched his shoulder. "Jim! Jim, snap out of it. It's over now. You are here, you are safe!"
Kirk blinked several times and pratically fell into his arms. Spock fought for his balance for a moment, then he held him closely while Kirk started to make little sounds, like a mix between a cry and a hiccup.
"You do not understand.. How could you know? You are safe now, and I didn't lose you... this time..."
Spock slowly moved his hands on Kirks back, trying to soften the stiff muscles he could feel. "You dreamt about Deneva?"
"I dreamt about you. We lost you on a strange planet and I couldn't get you back. I couldn't find you. I tried for what seemed to be years, but I couldn't get back to you! I saw myself being old and still fighting for you, knowing you must be alive out there."
"It was just a dream. I am still here with you and I have no intention of going away."
"You don't understand. I realize that I would indeed risk my career, my life and my ship to get you back."
"You are not rational now. It's illogical to..."
"I don't care. I need you, Spock, and I would do whatever is necessary to keep you at my side! I cannot lose you. You are very dear to me."
"Jim, I am deeply honored that you feel this way, but it's not necessary..."
"You still don't get it, do you? I love you, Spock. I love you and I need you. That's why I can't afford to lose you! That's why I would give up everything for you, and that's why I tried to avoid this conversation in the first place! I was worried that you would get past my barriers after all. Now see what's happened!"
Saying that, he got up from the bunk and ran out of the room.
He spent the next three hours pacing his quarters, trying to remember what exactly he had said. In the end he sat down on his bed. There was not a chance that Spock hadn't understood what he had said.
"McCoy here."
"Bones, it's me. Can we talk?"
McCoy smiled. "Come on down, if you want."
"Be right there. Thanks, Bones."
He reached sickbay a few minutes later.
"Hi Jim. Come and have a seat. What's on your mind?"
"Spock."
"That's not a surprise. I met him a few days ago. What exactly did you tell him these talks were about?"
"I didn't tell him at all, we just talked. A few hours ago I told him that I loved him, though."
McCoy opened his mouth in surprise, but didn't say a thing.
"Do you understand now why I was against this conversation?!"
"No, I don't. What did he say?"
"I ran out of the room before he could say anything."
"But--why? I mean, you already knew that you had said too much! Why didn't you at least wait for an answer?"
"I was scared, Bones! I didn't want to hear it."
"And how do you intend to solve the situation? You can avoid him for the next two days, because it's close to Christmas, but you will have to attend the Christmas party on the 24th!"
"I'm not going."
"You have to. You are the Captain; it's your job to stay there for a few hours."
"I am not going!"
24.
Kirk desperately tried to be invisible. He was leaning on a wall at the end of the room, sipping at a cocktail and trying to look cheerful. McCoy had said that three hours were the minimum. He'd already been here for two hours, and no sign of Spock yet. Kirk was glad of that.
The party room was crowded. Most personnel had a free shift this evening, and the ones who were scheduled to work changed shifts every three hours so that everyone could take turns celebrating. He didn't feel like celebrating. Kirk just waited for Christmas to be over. Christmas was about wamrth, about joy and love. He didn't feel anything at all. McCoy had already told him that he was content with the progress he'd made. So he got his job back, but lost his best friend. Not a good deal...
Suddenly, Spock was standing in front of him, a few meters away and was looking at him. He was clad in black, which looked pretty good on him, Kirk mused absent-mindedly, while his heart started to beat faster. He looked into Spock's eyes and the world stopped moving. All he could see was Spock, who had started moving towards him. He stopped half a meter away.
"Jim."
"Spock."
"I do hope you remember what I told you about Vulcan feelings and what they do to us..."
Then Spock took the glass out of his hand and placed it on a table. Seconds later, Kirk was glad for it, because when Spock stepped closer and kissed him, Kirk needed both his hands to hold his friend in a tight embrace. He didn't let go for a long time.
The glass remained untouched for the rest of the evening.
25.
Kirk woke to the feeling of a warm body pressed close to his. For a moment he cherished the feeling, then he turned around to see that Spock was already awake.
Suddenly, he was afraid again. What was he supposed to say?
But Spock turned his head and looked at him with that half-smile on his lips that Kirk had always thought was reserved especially for him...
"Good morning, Jim."
... only to find out now, that it was indeed.
Those three words told him all that he needed to know. It was going to be okay. No, maybe it was going to be even better.
"There is much we need to talk about. But for now I believe, the correct term is 'Merry Christmas, Jim'."
Then Jim was kissed again. And again.
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